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8. The 21 Worst Things to Say to a Police Officer

  1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

  2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

  3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

  4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

  5. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

  6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

  7. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

  8. Bad cop! No donut!

  9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

  10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

  11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops ?

  12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand!

  13. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

  14. I pay your salary!

  15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?

  16. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!

  17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

  18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

  19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

  20. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

  21. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

    (This one's dumb, but probably will get a guffaw, rather than encouraging the nice officer to pull out his MagLite.)

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Contact me at cbbrowne@acm.org